Siblings

Sibling Rivalry.

     Rivalry is a situation in which two persons or groups are competing for the same thing. Here it is for favoritism and position in the family. We may call it child antagonism, a feud or strife which emerges not in a single family but is omnipresent, universal.

     Children are the future of the family and the world. How they grow up depends not only on the love of parents or family members, or the amount of money spent on them, but on the way everyday situations are handled by the elders. The pressures of everyday life can make the simplest situations worse. Love between mother and child, between siblings is a reflection of the Divine love. How it is interpreted makes all the difference in relationships.

     Child psychology is a very complex subject. It needs patience and alert mind to understand it. Though it is not learnt from books by all, it is learnt mainly by practical experiences and observations of child behaviour and attitudes in daily life.

     Love and hatred, pride and jealousy, are the emotions often experienced by siblings. But it is always the brother or the sister who help in shaping one’s character. When the child is alone in the family he is quite comfortable and secure, but the arrival of another child in the family disturbs the first child mentally. It is a very delicate situation which needs to be handled very tactfully and wisely. The parents should prepare the child in advance for the future, when he will have to share everything with the new arrival in the family. A feeling of security and warmth should be created to ensure the child his importance and place in the family. It is believed that in the initial years of childhood this feeling of rivalry is more obvious and dominating in a child. As the years pass by, and by the time they grow up they are more attached and concerned about one another. This proximity brings about intimacy and the rival attitude diminishes. 

     Parents play a pivotal role in development and devolution of this sibling rivalry. The most delicate and touchiest problem required to be taken care of is favouritism. Parents do not realize the risks behind it and unknowingly or perhaps at times knowingly create the communication gap between siblings. Some children develop different types of fears or phobias in this age. These childhood fears are not real but a part of growing along with emotional disturbances and insecurity. It creates lack of confidence and tolerance in children. These emotional disturbances can be taken care of by giving equal care and attention, equal love and affection to the children.

     After a certain age when children begin schooling and socializing there is a kind of competition between them in each and every matter. They try to prove themselves superior to the others by trying to do their best. In such situations it becomes necessary for the elders to be very tactful in appreciating one and also encouraging the other. Each child has a different talent and may prosper in different fields. Care must be taken that there should be no comparisons made between them. Comparisons make them feel inferior, insecure and at times very confused. They lose confidence and develop agitation for the person competing him. Appreciating each in a different way, acknowledging their abilities can save the situation and also boost their confidence. They should be assured of their capability again and again. Brothers and sisters often emulate one another. Learning from one another is often an upward and downward process. In further complex situations siblings do not reflect each other but they differentiate themselves. It is a phenomenon called de-identification by Psychologists. Siblings of opposite sex have a distinct advantage. They get along easily and interact more freely. It helps them to turn out to be better spouses in later lives and can relate better with the opposite sex outside the family and home.

“Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet.”

                                                  ------   Vietnamese Proverb.

     Situations become easier when the parents are wiser and well informed. Every parent expects the child to give peak performances in life. If one child in the family excels, the other is obviously expected to do the same. It remains a question unanswered as to why do some children perform well while others of  equal or superior  ability can not do so. Many parents believe skill is determined by natural ability. The child with highest IQ will get the best grades. But the fact is otherwise. Genes do count in determining performances, but only partially. The competitive edge comes from mental attitude, character, strategy and the environment provided to the child to blossom to its fullest. When two siblings are brought up in the same environment, also they may have different intellectual power and hence may perform variably. It is here that the parent’s intervention in a positive manner becomes most essential.

     The winning edge should be inculcated in a child from very young age. They should be taught to face circumstances, despite the obstacles and learn to be winners. Some simple traits help to bring about the competitive edge.

·         Find something to praise each child.

·         Teach, do not blame. If something goes wrong, criticize the behaviour not the child. Give them a positive criticism not the negative one with abuses and assault.

·         Assess the child’s individual strengths. Do not mould them your way but let them be the way they want to be. It will give them lots of space and self-assessment.

·         Encourage self-applause because talking positively to the self about the self, reinforces the self image, which in turn gives confidence and self praise.

·         Teach your child to relax. Because knowing the way to relax is the key to peak performances. When relaxed the mind is clearer and the body functions with great efficiency.

·         Teach to concentrate and to rehearse mentally.

·         Remind success off and on.

There are no short cuts to bringing up children to do their best. It is a gradual process of support, encouragement and hard work. These efforts pay off not only in peak performances but in closer, warmer and more affectionate relationships between parent and child, between brothers and sisters and in maintaining positive attitudes towards one and all. It does not give rise to mutual contempt and will encourage co-operation and concern amongst them.

Khalil Gibran very well explains the concept of sibling’s role in one’s life, “Women opened the windows of my eyes and the doors of my spirit. Had it not been for the woman-mother, the woman-sister, and the woman-friend, I would have been sleeping among those who seek tranquility of the world with their snoring.”

A sibling may become a friend, a confidante, a role model or a competitor, any individual has lived and fought with a sibling observes that the relationship always changes with the time and age. But the emotional bond always remains unique.      

Sayonara

Never say ‘Sayonara’

     But Asha Parekh said so in the movie, ‘Love in Tokyo' teasing the much awaiting Joy Mukherji, while sexy Sam (Amitabh Bachchan) never said it in the movie, ‘Kabhie Alvida Naa Kehna’.

     They are the characters not just of a movie but of our daily life. The character of sexy Sam brings a smile on every face. Not because he is dating so many girls or having a gala time. But because he also shows his relativity to life.

What life is and how it should be lived. His acceptance of being an out and out flirt disappoints people but he confides his dedication and love or his wife, whom he had lost. He was trying to relive without her as he missed her in every moment of loneliness. He missed her company, her love, her care and concern for him and her tremendous support at every difficult step of life, which had made him what he was. They were the pillars of a relationship and that was exactly what he saw missing in his son’s married life.

     Movies do not merely depict artificial characters but they do bring alive one’s hidden qualities that may not be seen by the world, but are dormant in one’s subconscious. Bringing them to the fore enhances the awareness and reality that are required to understand an otherwise confused life.

     Sam confesses that he has had many women in his life, but that was after his wife’s death. He had never been unfaithful to her, never betrayed her or hurt her in any circumstances. He accepts life in a different way because his wife wanted him to be happy even in her absence. And may be she was wise enough to know the side effects of a suppressed libido. Men by nature are more physically satisfied, while women are emotionally satisfied. And Sexy Sam’s wife did not want her handsome, wise, dedicated husband to turn into a frustrated, unsatisfied and schizophrenic man after her death. Hence, she wished to see him happy ever after her. And that was what exactly a dedicated husband did. Bringing out a jovial, happy-go-lucky person in the guise of Uncle Sam. Who never ran away from his duties and his responsibilities. Who brought up his only son being a father and a mother. Living life with zest, weaving each fiber of relationship carefully.

     He never said, ‘Sayonara’ or ‘Alvida’ to life.

Accepting it all along with all his sorrows and with grace.

Life

Life of Substance.    

“What is this life, if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?” ---John Clare.

Take just a moment from your life to stop and reflect on the quality of your daily lives. What do we mean by life? Are we living a quality life? A life of substance?  Do we have a purpose in life? These questions often evade the mind. We try to find answers to these queries, but in vain.

 It is because people are so dissatisfied with life. The emptiness, the monotony makes them yearn for more. They try to find some excitement in gaining even more of what they already have. It is the greed to gain without giving anything in return.  They strive for a purpose of life. Therefore, the purpose of life should not be making life rich with material gains, but with love, relationships, compassion and spirituality. These are the qualities that give a meaning to one’s life.

The human being is made up of three component parts. The body, mind and soul. The body fulfills the physical functions and also acts like a carrier for the mind and soul. The body cannot do anything on its own. It has no thinking, reasoning, will power and emotions. It is like a computer, where information needs to be fed in. The mind is the seat for mental ability and reasoning power. The soul is the seat for will power and emotions. The need is to make all the three parts work efficiently, to their best capacity.

Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated. If everything in life would have been predestined, then there would have been no scope for one’s intelligence. The positive attitude can enable achieving desired goals in life.

To achieve that goal the Bhagvad Gita, elucidates four different paths, 1) Raj yog or Meditation           2) Karma Yog or Work with  dedication 3) Gyan yog  or Knowledge, and    4) Bhakti Yog or Devotion, from which the aspirant may choose according to his temperament, capacity and inclination. The individual has the liberty and ultimate choice in his own hands, as to which path he wishes to choose. Liberal and without prejudice to help deal with the turbulence of life in as rational manner as is humanly possible.

The most powerful instrument that mankind possesses is Thought Power. People do not remember that they have this power and they do not have the ability to harness and make use of it.                                                                                                                              “The will to win, the will to succeed, to shape one’s life, to take control, can only be harnessed when you decide what you want and that no challenge, no problem, no obstacle will keep you from it.”----A. Robbins.

Each one of us is unique. Our uniqueness makes us aware of our goals and enables us to pursue them single-mindedly. Our journey in life is not meant to be left to chance, or else we would never get to our destination. It is the goal and the destination that gives coherence and meaning to life. Do not bury your uniqueness to become unidentifiable mass. Losing your individuality, but build your identity on god-given gifts and your unique capabilities.

People lack the courage and inner strength to make their own decisions. They become dependent, moving with the crowds. They cannot differentiate between the present and the past. The present moment is the foundation of the next moment. The way in which one reacts in the present will determine his future. Being positive, powerful and loving today, can give strength to handle any situation tomorrow.                                        “When all else is lost, the future still remains.”---Christian Bovee.

We have examples of innumerable great personalities that are said to have lived a Life of Substance. May it be Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa or President Abdul Kalam. What makes them stand out among others? What is it that they have in their lives and we don’t?  It is their motivation. Their need for achievement is their motive to accomplish things and to be successful. They realize and fulfill all of their potentialities. This success makes them great personalities. They lead their lives in a well calculated manner, on the path that needs different behavioral patterns across situations. It includes characteristic qualities life self-discipline, understanding, warmth, patience, humility and adjustments. These qualities mould and project them as great personalities. Psychologist, Gofdon Allport defines personality as, “The dynamic organization within the individual of those Psychophysical systems that determine his unique adjustments to his environment.” Personality consists of the distinctive patterns of behavior that characterizes each individual’s adaptation to the situation in his or her life. It is the way how he finds a way out of any and every critical situation. Personality is not attained by the ultimate success, but by the path taken to achieve that success. It builds a receptive character instead of being rigid and obstinate. The prerequisite for progress in any field of activity is receptiveness to new ideas. Receptiveness is the capacity and willingness to absorb. A closed mind, may it be due to inadequate life experiences, indifference, stubbornness, intolerance or contempt is dangerous, because it hinders all avenues of progress.

Our best possible investment in life should be of time, mental ability and will power. Many philosophers have said that we have a conscious and an unconscious mind. But in reality, it is only one mind which was originally intended to work consciously most of the time, but gradually becomes accustomed to work largely like a machine. The mind is not given any space to expand, no food for thoughts. The habitual mental processing is based only on materialistic conception and motives that have very detrimental consequences. As a result, the mental ability, concentration and will power gradually decrease and give way to worry and fear, nervousness, misery and unhappiness.

However, strenuous or complicated life maybe. We simply cannot afford to let these distractions interfere with our progress. Though being practical and motivated needs a good deal of perseverance, this accomplishment is within the reach of each and every person, one does not need the abilities of a Superman to achieve it.

This life of ours!    --------------------------             
 It is a wonderful life, when we know how to take it, when we live it as it should be lived!       

Dreams

Dreams to dream.

     All that can be witnessed, seen, observed in wakefulness is phenomena.

     All that which can be seen in a dream is hallucination, reverie, aspiration or trance.

What do these dreams try to tell us?  Are they related to real life or are they just illusions created by a restless mind?

Many of us wonder hopelessly, trying to decipher our dreams.  

     Dreams reflect the mysteries or dark sides of life. The modern dream analysis is producing amazing psychic insights. A treatment called ‘Dream therapy’ is emerging as a very effective tool for a person’s emotional wellbeing. Dreams help emotional healing and also in answering your most difficult queries that may be creating strange situations in life. The dream therapy bonds the inner thoughts with the exterior physical world. According to psychoanalytical theory, when you go to sleep, tell yourself that you would like to seek a solution to your problem. And slowly, the answer unfolds before you in your dream. It helps to identify ourselves and reach our goals.

     Dreams are fantasies unexplored. Daydreaming is generally considered to be a foolish thing when it remains just as a thought. But it can be true when works over it by trying to understand it and follow it with determination. Just building castles in the air and doing nothing about it makes the daydreams and object of mockery for the people. When the same thoughts are put to deeds, the person’s efforts are reckoned and acknowledged.

     Dreams are our guides that draw us out of any difficult situation, when the mind is perplexed and unable to take decisions. When you wake up with a certain jolt try immediately to remember what was it that you saw in the dream. It might be a dream that was trying to make you aware of some forthcoming problem. Dreams alert the mind, forewarns it to be active and accept whatever is to be faced in the future.

     Nightmares on the contrary dishearten a person. One may just sit up in bed, horrified, drenched in perspiration and in a state of complete shock. It might be some bad thought that may have occupied the mind, and that may have taken the shape of a bed dream. When these negative thoughts or acts remain to the self and are not disclosed they cause emotional disturbance, fear, tension, worry, anger and hatred, anything that could not be released from the mind and left undeterred.

These nightmares may be harmless and should not be taken seriously. Instead a healthy and peaceful lifestyle should be adopted to keep the mind and thoughts happy and positive. Because goals without action are dreams and actions without goals are nightmares.

     It is a world of great beauty and great cruelty, where the lines between reality and dreams are hopelessly blurred. But when these dreams are brought to reality they make life prosperous. It can be possible only through a determined and composed mind.  As truly said by Henry Davis Thoreau, “Dreams are the touchstones of our character.”

In a biography of former President of India, Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, ‘Dreams to Reality’, Srinivas Laxman writes how Kalam as a young boy wished to fly in the air like the beautiful birds. This passion for flying aroused by beautiful birds, years later inspired Dr. Kalam to design India’s first rocket. At the time when Kalam was growing up, no one had even dreamt of such a happening. It was his dream that was put to reality with his hard work, determination and humility that gave India the rocket scientist. Had it not been for his dream to fly like those beauties in the air, India’s ‘Missile Man’ as the media addresses him would not be amongst us. He was also nicknamed Mr. Nuke and the ‘father of the Nuclear Bomb’, after his success in nuclear tests.

As a saying goes, ‘Dream, dream, dream,

                               Dream transforms into thoughts,

                               Thoughts result into action.’ 

     Today psychologists are applying modern technology to probe the content of dreams. Through the computers content analysis is conducted which interprets the colours in the dream. Red colour means action, excitement and desire. Blue equals calmness, tranquility and harmony. While black connotes fear, anxiety and intimidations. 

     According to some celebrities, the successes in fulfilling their dreams have various perspectives. As Madhu Menon, a software engineer turned chief restaurateur, Shiok, Bangalore says, “The most important question to ask yourself is, ‘Do I see myself doing this for the next 20 years?’  If the answer is an unhesitant ‘yes’, then dare to dream the dream. The ways and means will follow……….”

As Deepa Mehta, a film maker puts it, “We all have to find the strength within us. When unsuccessful, we must try to rebuild our dreams to complete them,”

Since time immemorial people have tried to follow their dreams using wise or unwise means, because human nature is such that it cannot survive without hope. And dreams build hope to achieve something in life, to make life more meaningful and full of substance. The difference lies only in the interpretation of the dream to fulfill it.

A thought by William Law explains it very well,

“A Life devoted to the interests and enjoyments of their world, spent and wasted in the slavery of earthly desires, maybe truly called dream, as having all the shortness, vanity and delusion of a dream, only with this great difference, lost but fiction and fancies, but when the dream of life is ended only by death all that eternity is lost, for which we were brought into being.”  

  

Bold and Beautiful

Bold & Beautiful

      She was thin, frail, unattractive, she thought. Her physical appearance made a great difference to her. She was always conscious of her looks. She spent hours in thinking, how unpresentable and unattractive she was.

      At that time the phone on her desk rang. She picked up the receiver and talked to her client in effortless, fluent English. Her short, shrude discussion impressed the client and the deal was confirmed. She put down the phone and felt very happy about it and she read the nameplate on her table.

                                                       Miss Neha Singh.

                          Factory Administrative In charge and Personal Secretary.

She was the personal secretary to a Boss who was always unavailable to his clients and at the time of making important decisions.  She had taken over all the responsibilities in her firm.

     Neha met her old school friend, Sheila, on her way home. Oh! What a beauty she thought. Sheila was as always well groomed, stunningly beautiful and attractive. They exchanged pleasantries as meeting after a long time. Sheila suggested Neha to go for a makeover as she was working in a big firm and had a very good job. Initially Neha resisted but after meeting Sheila several times and Sheila’s continuous coaxing made Neha agree to do so. They both went to a Health and Beauty centre. She had a complete makeover and looked surprisingly different. Her old image of a frail, unattractive girl had changed. She felt better and thanked her friend for all her help and guidance.

     The next week she entered her office more confident and poised. Her complexes had disappeared and she felt great. In the evening while returning home, she met Sheila on the way as beautiful as ever. Neha stood by her and asked her the reason for standing at the bus stand everyday and not taking any bus. Sheila hesitated to answer her. But her insistence compelled Sheila to tell her the truth.

Almost in tears, Sheila said that she was a professional highly paid prostitute. She had no qualification and brains to earn and become a secretary or any other professional like Neha was. Her physical beauty was her only asset.

      The earth moved away from under Neha’s feet.

She thought, “How shallow my thinking is? How could she ever think herself to be useless, unattractive when God had given her such a beautiful heart and brain?  The most essential things to make a life that is so beautiful.”

She realized then that only external beauty can be disadvantageous for living a successful life. But brains with or without beauty can always be advantageous.

She realized that beauty or no beauty, ‘Jassi jaisi Koi Nahin’, because every individual, every Jassi and Jessica are unique in their own way.

      Thanks to the individuality each one has. Let’s celebrate our uniqueness and our individuality, and not regret being Bold and Beautiful with a VOID within.

Are you rich?

Are You Truly Rich?

The Bible says, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

It is natural for a person to long for the bare necessities of life, like food, housing, clothing and other little luxuries. But along with them a little sense of sharing can help. It can give more satisfaction and happiness than it normally would without sharing. We need money to survive, to be comfortable, to indulge and enjoy life. Money also gives power over others, but not peace. “Poor and content is rich and rich enough.” says William Shakespeare.

Most of the people want to live in richness, which is the tangible, physical form. Being materially rich, having wealth and physical property are greatest things and also useful some of the great men, sages were kings and princes, but they did not make it their weakness that could rule their lives.

Richness of mind and heart are two different things that create a balance in life. Richness of heart gives compassion, purity, the quality of serving and sharing. This richness of the innerself comes when man rises above narrow identities, lives successfully. His riches become useful in serving others. He becomes more sensitive to the beauty of nature, to harmony with the self and surrounding, to precise thinking and speaking. Because every thought of ill will or every hard word makes an impact on other person towards whom it is directed. Sages have said that one who has risen above the narrow selfish desires becomes free from anxiety, fear and worry and is always tranquil, calm and joyous. Such a person is ever helpful to all living like a king who is responsible in richness.

When money doesn’t stay in pockets, it goes to your hand, and then misery is sure to come. If you keep it in your pocket, it’s great. Having lots of money, if it enters your head it becomes misery because that’s not its place.

In the Western countries 40% people use psychiatric medicine to remain same. Because they have never seen poverty, scarcity of money, it always is in excess. They have seen only the outside world, through material gain and have forgotten the inside which can keep that misery away and bring peace. That cannot be called well being which money should bring.

When discontentment creeps in a person thinks only about fulfilling the future but misses the beauty of the present. If you are rich, you want to be richer, if you are strong, you want to be stronger, if you are beautiful, you want to be more beautiful and thus the want goes on increasing day by day. Such a mind does not let you live life, but it lives life behind. It takes away the happiness and pleasure, and gives greed and unsatisfaction. As J. Botheron quotes, “My richness consists not in the extent of my possessions but in the fewness of my wants.”

This greed for money or richness goes to such an extent that the person can think of nothing else. The individual begins to see every action, every relationship and every transaction he does with the point of greed. The slightest chance of less gain will make him turn away from it. Even in his relationship the thought of personal gain will make him selfish. He cannot bear to do anything to please others, for a better cause or for the sake of humanity. But he will seek the same for himself. His greed becomes so dominant that he cannot see anything beyond the self.

This type of attitude takes away the small moments of happiness from life, from family, friends and all around. People slowly begin to drift away from such people as they cannot be necessarily interactive with him. In a whole family with several members he will be left out. He has to face loneliness as nobody barriers in his relationships. He develops a rigid sense of ego that does not tolerate ant deviation from is self-made pattern of life. He becomes proud, arrogant and disgraceful towards others. He feels he can set rules, he can bye anything and everything with the money he has. Forgetting that love, emotion, respect and care cannot be bought by any amount of wealth. They are the two way feelings, only if you give it you can give it you can expect in return. A one way flow can never last long. As George H. Lorimer has put it,- “It is good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.”

The example of Andrew Carnegie, who was born in a one-room attic in the nineteenth century is a Scottish weaver’s house, can only  remind the greatness of the riches you earn. He wrote, ‘It is a disgrace to die rich.’ And gave away seventy million pounds because he believed them to be true. He had migrated from Scotland to America with his poor parents. He started with an unpleasant job in a boiler room of a bobbin factory. Then he became a messenger boy, later he was promoted as an operator, then a telegraphist in a big company, after that he became a railroad superintendent. Slowly and steadily climbing the ladders of success. At eighteen he felt capable of doing anything. At the age of twenty-seven he earned £ 10,000 a year. He became the steel king and his reign lasted from 1875 to 1900. He spent all the surplus each year for benevolent purposes. He believed it ‘disgraceful to die as a rich man’. He believed that a rich man’s life should be divided into two parts, the first making money, and the second giving it away. This task of giving money was as difficult and important as earning it. In 1900 Carnegie retired, then for 20 years he gave his money away for noble causes. In educational fields, scientific research, music, he formed the Carnegie Corporation both I America and Great Britain, leaving a huge income to be spent every year for different purposes. ‘His Gospel of Wealth’ has profoundly influenced the modern world, writes one of his friend.

“A man’s true wealth is the good he does in the world. Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror.” –writes Khalil Gibran.

No matter how rich you are, whether you are born rich with a silver spoon, or you are rich due to your efforts and hard work. There should always be a sense of humility and compassion within you that no riches of the world can overtake. Being rich is a great boon, but not on its own. It has to be in partnership with human values. Only then can a person be called truly rich. Or else he will be only wealthy of belonging and devoid of morality.

Every religion, every sect preaches about sharing and caring for others.  What we have and what we can give away depends only on us. Only giving away money does not mean sharing. Giving away of help, care, thoughts, knowledge and inspiration is also a way of sharing. It is for the individual to decide whether he wishes to live rich or die rich.  Hoard his wealth till death or give it away for good cause. Hoard his knowledge and intellect to die with him or share it with others so that it can increase manifolds. Because sharing of knowledge and ideas will only increase them and will give a strange satisfaction that no riches can buy.

Buddha is not remembered to this day because he was a rich king, but because he renounced his riches, his kingdom to be a messenger of peace. Though in the 21^st century we scarcely find such enlightened souls, but no one can stop our soul from learning from them. Today we see great personalities around us, who have grown from rags to riches, but out of them who will be a Carnegie and who a Buddha only they can decide.

It is an old belief, that money goes the way it comes. If you earn the money with honesty, it will bring peace, prosperity and happiness and it will also last long. But if it is earned by unfair means it brings frustration and anxiety as long as it remains with you, and when it goes away in a split of time, again for wrong purposes, it leaves you helpless and unhappy.

The modern, rich and famous have a superficial attitude about them. They show artificial pomp. The neighborhoods are full of people who do spend their fortunes to buy expensive cars to be parked in the front porch of their bungalow, but when it comes to using, maintaining and refilling it, they prefer using the public transport to avoid the wear and tear of their most preservable object. Each person in the family may be given a latest model of cellphone, but everytime it needs to be recharged they have to face the dreary abuses. So the money you have also should have a way to be spent. It is not every person’s cup of tea to be rich, live rich and die rich.

How then do we define ‘Rich’?

In a nutshell – A person materially and spiritually affluent.”