Siblings

Sibling Rivalry.

     Rivalry is a situation in which two persons or groups are competing for the same thing. Here it is for favoritism and position in the family. We may call it child antagonism, a feud or strife which emerges not in a single family but is omnipresent, universal.

     Children are the future of the family and the world. How they grow up depends not only on the love of parents or family members, or the amount of money spent on them, but on the way everyday situations are handled by the elders. The pressures of everyday life can make the simplest situations worse. Love between mother and child, between siblings is a reflection of the Divine love. How it is interpreted makes all the difference in relationships.

     Child psychology is a very complex subject. It needs patience and alert mind to understand it. Though it is not learnt from books by all, it is learnt mainly by practical experiences and observations of child behaviour and attitudes in daily life.

     Love and hatred, pride and jealousy, are the emotions often experienced by siblings. But it is always the brother or the sister who help in shaping one’s character. When the child is alone in the family he is quite comfortable and secure, but the arrival of another child in the family disturbs the first child mentally. It is a very delicate situation which needs to be handled very tactfully and wisely. The parents should prepare the child in advance for the future, when he will have to share everything with the new arrival in the family. A feeling of security and warmth should be created to ensure the child his importance and place in the family. It is believed that in the initial years of childhood this feeling of rivalry is more obvious and dominating in a child. As the years pass by, and by the time they grow up they are more attached and concerned about one another. This proximity brings about intimacy and the rival attitude diminishes. 

     Parents play a pivotal role in development and devolution of this sibling rivalry. The most delicate and touchiest problem required to be taken care of is favouritism. Parents do not realize the risks behind it and unknowingly or perhaps at times knowingly create the communication gap between siblings. Some children develop different types of fears or phobias in this age. These childhood fears are not real but a part of growing along with emotional disturbances and insecurity. It creates lack of confidence and tolerance in children. These emotional disturbances can be taken care of by giving equal care and attention, equal love and affection to the children.

     After a certain age when children begin schooling and socializing there is a kind of competition between them in each and every matter. They try to prove themselves superior to the others by trying to do their best. In such situations it becomes necessary for the elders to be very tactful in appreciating one and also encouraging the other. Each child has a different talent and may prosper in different fields. Care must be taken that there should be no comparisons made between them. Comparisons make them feel inferior, insecure and at times very confused. They lose confidence and develop agitation for the person competing him. Appreciating each in a different way, acknowledging their abilities can save the situation and also boost their confidence. They should be assured of their capability again and again. Brothers and sisters often emulate one another. Learning from one another is often an upward and downward process. In further complex situations siblings do not reflect each other but they differentiate themselves. It is a phenomenon called de-identification by Psychologists. Siblings of opposite sex have a distinct advantage. They get along easily and interact more freely. It helps them to turn out to be better spouses in later lives and can relate better with the opposite sex outside the family and home.

“Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet.”

                                                  ------   Vietnamese Proverb.

     Situations become easier when the parents are wiser and well informed. Every parent expects the child to give peak performances in life. If one child in the family excels, the other is obviously expected to do the same. It remains a question unanswered as to why do some children perform well while others of  equal or superior  ability can not do so. Many parents believe skill is determined by natural ability. The child with highest IQ will get the best grades. But the fact is otherwise. Genes do count in determining performances, but only partially. The competitive edge comes from mental attitude, character, strategy and the environment provided to the child to blossom to its fullest. When two siblings are brought up in the same environment, also they may have different intellectual power and hence may perform variably. It is here that the parent’s intervention in a positive manner becomes most essential.

     The winning edge should be inculcated in a child from very young age. They should be taught to face circumstances, despite the obstacles and learn to be winners. Some simple traits help to bring about the competitive edge.

·         Find something to praise each child.

·         Teach, do not blame. If something goes wrong, criticize the behaviour not the child. Give them a positive criticism not the negative one with abuses and assault.

·         Assess the child’s individual strengths. Do not mould them your way but let them be the way they want to be. It will give them lots of space and self-assessment.

·         Encourage self-applause because talking positively to the self about the self, reinforces the self image, which in turn gives confidence and self praise.

·         Teach your child to relax. Because knowing the way to relax is the key to peak performances. When relaxed the mind is clearer and the body functions with great efficiency.

·         Teach to concentrate and to rehearse mentally.

·         Remind success off and on.

There are no short cuts to bringing up children to do their best. It is a gradual process of support, encouragement and hard work. These efforts pay off not only in peak performances but in closer, warmer and more affectionate relationships between parent and child, between brothers and sisters and in maintaining positive attitudes towards one and all. It does not give rise to mutual contempt and will encourage co-operation and concern amongst them.

Khalil Gibran very well explains the concept of sibling’s role in one’s life, “Women opened the windows of my eyes and the doors of my spirit. Had it not been for the woman-mother, the woman-sister, and the woman-friend, I would have been sleeping among those who seek tranquility of the world with their snoring.”

A sibling may become a friend, a confidante, a role model or a competitor, any individual has lived and fought with a sibling observes that the relationship always changes with the time and age. But the emotional bond always remains unique.