Insecurity --- The In Thing.
Why do people feel insecure?
Among families, among crowds, amongst relationships? Is it a reality or a mental state that makesthe person fearful and anxious all the time. It is a riddle to be solved. Though many solutions and justifications are given about its cause and effect, it still remains as the most dreaded fear in many minds.
Insecurity is the feeling that gives a sense of being left alone. One feels ignored, unhappy and pathetic. It is an accumulation of negative thoughts piled up over the years. Not one but several factors contribute to the development of insecurity in a person's mind. It is well said by Chogyam Trungpa, "Uncertainity is related to distrust in yourself, feeling that you are inadequate to deal with that mystrious problem that is threatening you. There is no fear if you have a compassionate relationship with yourself, because then you kmow what you are doing."
If your purpose on earth is to love others, it certainly cannot be truely achieved that if you hide inside your own insecurities and do not love yourself. Hiding behind emotions or weaknesses will keep you away from growing into a person you are meant to be. Understanding your purpose of life, your goals, ideas and dreams will be the first step in growing out of uncertainities and disillusions.. It will give confidence. Low self-worth, fear, mistrust and unbelief will keep you away from discovering the natural and true person that you are. Because fearful and insecure persons hide behind negative emotions and are always enveloped within a particular weakness in their life.
It is self confidence that can help you to know your way around yourself because it knows the "ins" and "outs" of your true being and so it can instinctively give your strength. From the stillness of the mind you find your path. It helps you to gently walk away from bad situations. Self-confidence runs deeper than your nerves. At moments of insecurity, you feel you need to talk to someone else, to lighten your heart, but insread it is more safe to talk to yourself. Because then your confidence and love within will help you overcome that insecurity. When you think that youbelohg to a certain group, or family, or relationships you feel you are safe. That is what every humanbeing yearns for, to be safe and secure in his/her surrounding.
Jealousy leads to insecurity. It might be one of the reasons in the breakup of relationships. Because every relationship should be based on trust. It is a mutual understanding between two partners, two friends. If there is no trust it leads to jealousy. As jealousy creeps in greater is the feeling of possession. To possess something or someone, it gives you a sense of happiness, assurance and certainity and we begin to cling to it. To think that you own may be a house, a pet animal, makes one happy, but to own a humanbeing makes one feel strong and contented. That you have someone to call your own, to fall back on in your hard times. Without this object of possession one feels lost. He feels he has nothing to call his own, he feels hopelessly lost in a hopeful world.
When there is love in a relationship, jealousy cannot creep in. But when there is jealousy it means that the partners, friends, relatives are using each other for their own benefit, to be happy, to have a companion, not to feel lonely, you may not possess much but atleast you have a partner to be with, and life goes on in the form of compromise with life. Transparency in relationships is essential, It helps to open up and communicate with your partner. Jealousy to a certain extent is beneficial in maintaining relations, it can make you a better performer and can ignite relationships, can help in achieving goals be learning to perform better, and can give more pleasure, but high amount of jealous can only lead to destruction.
Possessive attitude towards partners is yet another major factor that brings in insecurity. When in love a person should not think that he/she is the sole owner of that person. Consider him/her as an independent individual with likes and dislikes, with feelings and emotins, with a unique individuality. Do not try to dominate their life because you think that you love that person and hence are obliging him/her and have the authourity to possess her. Give and take space for each other. Loving does not mean possessing, as said by Hafiz. ----- "When I became a lover, I thought I had gained the Pearl of the Goal, foolish I did not know that this Pearl lies on the floor of an ocean which has innumerable waves to be encountered and great depths to be sounded." Because when the object of possession becomes the object of mistrust or unhappiness, it brings in uncertainity of relationships. It ruins your life and makes you helpless. You feel pathetic and begin to find excuses to justify your condition.
Acceptance helps in keeping insecurity at bay. Life is another name for adversity. Without adversity one cannot survive. Viewing adversity as a change, not as a failure or loss, and accepting it in all forms, empowers the mind. Because change is inevitable. Any and every relationship can never be th same on the first day of its evolution and on the umpteenth day. Your relationship with your child will not be the same when the child is 5 years old and when he reaches 25 years of age. A newly married couple will maintain a decent relationship in their hay days but it wiil be different on their 25th wedding anniversary. There may be differences, grudges, love, emotions throughout the period of bonding. This change needs acceptance and understanding. The truth is that everything is impermanent. Everything within us, the internal being as well as everything external, whether they are feelings, thoughts or actions, all are in a constant state of flux, they are transient. Due to this the mind craves for permanency of relationships, for love, peace and security, which can last with them throughout life. And this fear of losing the permanent relationship brings the fear of insecurity. It is because the mind is always time-bound. It wants the things to be in a steady state. It relies much on the past or in the future, but it never lives in the present. It always contradicts the present situations. One should try to forget the past, no matter how cruel the past may have been, and learn to get up and make changes in life. Stop living in the past and live for the present moment. Live behind all the grudges, regrets and sorrows of the past and live a happy and abundant life.
Some people forge ahead despite difficulties, they win triumphantly and do not look back, while some find it difficult to move forward, because they do not have that ability to change with the time. It brings only depression, self pity and insecurity. Whether it may be health or other issues, loss of job, divorce or death in the family, one should try to navigate through change and accept it. These adverse situations are the inescapable indicators that make a person stronger, more insightful, each time he/she faces it. As Winston Churchill once said, "Without measureless and perpetual uncertainity the drama of human life would be destroyed."
Relationships can exist only when there is no fear because relationships can survive where there is understanding. And when there is no understanding, there arises the fear of sustaining the relationship, fear of past and future, fear of reward and punishment. Because fear exists in the conflicts of the opposites. Fear is the uncertainity that searches for security. Learn to break free from your doubts and fears and be a happy, loving person you are. Once you learn who you are, you will be totally free to love others. With all the setbacks and insecurity, change drives a thought home, that there is only one true certainity in life and that is, that one must use his time wisely to make a conscious change in his world and learn to accept it.
If your happiness lies in someone else's hands, then you are in for lots of trouble. Make happiness your prime factor. Learn to make yourself happy on your own, do not depend on others for it. Making your partner, friends, children, relatives responsible for your happiness and blaming them when you are not happy is the biggest mistake in a relationship. When insecurity, fear, depression creeps into your life, devoid of happiness, you feel your life isn't working. Then it becomes necessary for you to make changes or see things differently. You need to maek difficult cho8ices, have painful uncomfortable discussions and make compromises But you definitely need to take the responsibility for your own level of happiness. No relationships can bring this to you. It is a very empowering insight, it helps in setting priorities in relationships and also proves your power and ability to make yourself happy. By taking the responsibility for your happiness, you open the door for new type of relationships based on honesty, courage, responsibility and wisdom. It brings you satisfaction and a conditioned mind. The insecurity or uncertainity of life will turn away from you and it will transform your self into a more confident, more happy person. As St. Augustine
When insecurity takes a dominant place in the mind, the person is diverted towards criminal or illegal activites. Immoral attitude, cheating, robbing, killing, being unfaithful, etc. People stray away from their true path and give in to unacceptable behaviour and activities. Partners and friends go to the extremes in hurting each other as the thought of insecurity eats into their soul. They become restless. They seek satisfaction from external sources. When a family is unable to provide emotional security the person can go to any and every extent to find that solace of belonging, caring and loving. Insecurity curbed and diverted at the right time with patience and deep insight can bring a person out from untowards situations in life. It boosts your life for new achievements and heights.
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