On Being Assertive

On Being Assertive.

      As Bryna Taubman puts it, “_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ assertiveness has not been a quality admired in women.” Though the problems of assertiveness are not confined to women, of course.

“Assertiveness is the expression of your own feelings, wants and needs, learning to act on them and having respect for the feelings, wants and needs of those around you.” says Bryna.

      That seems simple but it is not so, especially in Indian Culture. A woman may find it difficult to tell her husband, father or brother that she wants some time, some space for herself. Some women even feel like strangers in a room full of people. Some find difficulty in talking to doctors, lawyers, and strangers. This is entirely due to social conditioning. Generally, men find it easier to make known their positive needs than women do. Though times have changed but still such demands from women are considered derogatory. People do not accept such liberation of women in conservative, traditional families to this day.

      Making assertiveness more simple and learning assertiveness is learning to ask yourself:

What do I want? What do I need? What do I need to ask for? How can I ask for that without making a demand? How can I make it clear that this is important to me? As said by Bryna earlier these are easy questions with difficult answers.

      Here comes the necessity to give importance to the word ‘I’. Getting in touch with that ‘I’ and learning to respond to its needs is what assertiveness is all about.

Now, that does not mean to be self-centered or egoistic. Giving importance to ‘I’ with a selfish outlook will only make situations worse. As is believed in every culture, in every religion, that the ‘I’ is the self, and the self is your own conscience, and your conscience is your supernatural energy or God, as you may believe. The need is to differentiate between the two.

The selfish ‘I’ or the supernatural ‘I’. And for that what we need is control over our mind and thoughts.

“Control is very important part of assertiveness. And it is important from the beginning to learn that you do have control. You can decide when and where to assert yourself.

 You can decide which situations are uncomfortable and where you are satisfied with things as they are. Your chances of getting what you want improve only when you let other people know what you want.

 Learning to put a talent to use is what life is all about.” According to Bryna.

      However, that cannot be possible unless you have a better feeling for yourself. Unless you know what makes you feel good, taking responsibilities, making your own decisions and finally working over it to make them come true. It is a journey made only by the self, by that important ‘I’.

Others may help, push, encourage, but eventually it is the self who has to finish the line. And that’s half the fun. The remaining will be experienced when you reach the end and know it.